Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
