you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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