I threw up into my coffee this morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
