is your mom at the bar?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
