Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
