My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
