If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
