My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Drunk is not a location!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
