a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
