Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
