I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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