I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
