Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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