I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
