hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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