I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
