phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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