so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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