I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
