i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
