please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
