I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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