im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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