I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
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At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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