why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
