Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
