Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
where are you?
Hypothermia
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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