I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
