She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
