I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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