there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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