So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
