If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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