if i can run in heels then i can drive
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
