Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
