you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
