Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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