Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
