note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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