Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
