booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
