areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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