I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
