I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
