i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
