I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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