I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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