Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
