I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
