he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
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i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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