i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
