i love accidental penises.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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