i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
