i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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