Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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