i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
